When I turned 30, I was warned:

Sleep changes when you turn 30.

When I was young, sleep was easy. It was deep, restful, restorative. I could do it anywhere and through anything. It was so good to me.

As I got older, I had to learn that things had to be ‘just so’ more than when I was young. A good pillow, comfy bed, quiet space, no light.

And sleep was just a little lighter, but still, once I got there, I was there.

It took some adjusting, but I got used to it.

Now, as I near 40, it seems that sleep is changing again. Maybe it’s just coincidence, but it really does feel different.

Sleep is harder.

I want it more, but it is more elusive.


I always feel like I’m up there, near the surface, never fully submerged, never locked out completely.

Rather than just having the rambling mind before I sleep, now the mind rambles while I am asleep. I’m there, just asleep enough to let it pass along, but too aware to be rested, to block it out, to dream it away.

Sure, of course, I’m not awake or thinking all night, every night.

But it seems more and more often that I am unsettled,  ready to wake. That the long deep sleeps are shorter, and almost a surprise. I will wake thinking “Oh God, I really *was* out!”

And last night was one of my worst sleep nights in a long time.

Mat woke up in the middle of the night with a nose bleed (ick) and when he came back to bed, he fell straight asleep.

And I did not.


I was awake.

It was 3:30am.

Then 4, then 5.

I breifly considered getting out of bed a few times, but thought that rest would be better, and I did fall asleep again because my alarm at 6am really startled me, and the fact that the stars were gone assured me I got at least a good hour before it was time to get up.

Hopefully this will mean that tonight is awesome and restful, cuz I sure feel doughy and thick today!

TGIF, right? 🙂


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