The Seeds of Doubt

As you know, I’ve done the Blackwood Marathon before.

And if you’re read any of my old posts, you’d know that doubt and uncertainty appears regularly while working towards such a big goal.

  • Can I?
  • Should I?
  • Why am I?

And these last two days has seen that doubt once again rear its ugly head.

Now, I’ve done it before, so I know I can do it.

And with minimal preparation, really.

That is, being minimally prepared for the hills, for the chaos of the ride, having only been out paddling on water twice before the actual race, very little swimming, and never having done an open water swim before either… and I came through fine.

And with that behind me, I know what I have to do and what I’m in store for and ways to do even better this year.

So, that’s not where the doubt lies.

Where the doubt lies is in the amount of work that has to be done.

Let’s face it, five disciplines three times a week is a lot of training. It’s a massive commitment.

And when you throw in a full-time job, and teaching five classes a week, plus training for those sessions… it starts to get pretty overwhelming.

I intend to live my year with great discipline, but how much discipline do I really want to impose on myself? Do I want to schedule every minute of my day?

Having been through it, I know that my every waking moment was focused entirely on the Blackwood. The training, the food, the race. I was constantly flooded with doubt and fear, and had to talk myself back into it every day. I can’t remember my work, or doing anything fun on a weekend that didn’t involve some sort of training session.

“Let’s go to Bunbury and visit Nell, and while we’re there, we’ll go paddling, and I’ll just do one run.” … Of course, doing all that was fun, so it wasn’t really a bad thing.

And when you consider that there are people who focus just on ONE of these disciplines, and that is a full-time hobby… well, I just start thinking that maybe I’m asking too much of myself, even knowing I’m capable.

I still haven’t run a marathon, and I still haven’t ridden TK in competition since the Blackwood. I still have goals I can focus on, and get really good at, rather than spreading myself really thin.

Or, I can just bite the bullet and do it all just because I can, because I said I would, because I have set out to accomplish something and I like to do what I say I will do.

I am sure that much of this doubt has come from the fact that Christmas is coming, which is always a stressful time, and that we have a few major projects that have run seriously over schedule, plus a number of projects where we can’t make progress due to some balls still being up in the air. Perhaps when these things settle…

Once again, I feel like I am talking myself in circles.

circles-flag

I guess the truth of it is:

If you really want to, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

I guess I just need to decide if I really want to.

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