Shove Off, Doldrums!

It must be time for a new routine. I feel down in the dumps and dissatisfied with so much of my life, which is just silly because look at all I have! You know when kids say “I’m bored!” but won’t take any suggestions for things to do? They are chosing to be bored, then, right? Oddly, I feel like that. Like nothing is interesting or fun. So, in a way, I’m chosing to feel like this? It’s so weird.

I suppose the fact that there’s only 25 more sleeps till I get to run away and visit my family and friends in Canada is running through my mind. I’m trying not to think of it, I’m trying to stay focused on the stuff I need to get done here and now. But no doubt the prospect of this trip is messing with my head. Plus I’ve never worked this long at one job, nor have I ever lived in one house this long in my adult life. I must be a gypsy reincarnate! Can I really be satisfied to stay put?

I have been talking about change for some time. In fact, I’ve discussed it at some length privately with Marlo (I haven’t forgotten you!) but haven’t really been able to put any of this together for myself. It kind of started with the end of the Blackwood and feeling unfocused. It peaked at Christmas with my desire to disconnect from the “golden arrow” of consumerism. And then it took a little break, as I took little steps to make good decisions for me daily. Everything seemed fairly fine until this last week in particular.

I have been feeling more and more like the universe is sending me a message about change being needed. Lately, it’s like someone is taking my by the shoulders and giving me a big shake, and a couple of slaps across the face, and saying, “Wake Up Woman!”

Ah, but wake up to what?

I, like pretty much everyone I know, both thrive on and fear change. I want change, I want to mix it up, and feel refreshed and renewed and challenged. But to and by what? Under what circumstances? What am I willing to risk? For the first time in my life I really have more to give up than gain. Moving to Australia meant selling my car, and giving away a bit of clothing and furniture. I didn’t own a house, have pets, or a boyfriend. I have a family that understands that we have to go where we have to go and we have to try what we have to try. So, there I went.

Now, however, there seems to be so much standing in the way of change: a steady job, a man with a carreer he loves, a mortgage, animals to care for. With all this going for me, how can I expect to achieve change, and what areas actually need change? What is safe and what is not? And how much of this is just about boredom with “good and content”? The predictability of everyday life is like a safety net, but takes some of the sizzle out of the performance, if you get my drift.

As an example, my morning routine, which satisfied me for some time – get up, do the dishes, sweep the floor, spend 30-60 minutes online – was doing great for me. But lately, the dishes aren’t getting done, the ‘net holds little appeal, exercise is too hard… I feel ‘itchy’ and ‘jittery’ and uncomfortable in my skin, like I need to be doing something, but nothing appeals.

Friday morning I didn’t try to do any of my routine things, instead, I just sat outside on the step and just enjoyed the morning. I realised that I am missing the best part of the best part of the day. That I am spending too much time inside, and that it won’t be long before the weather once again holds me back, the sun no longer rises early and wakes me early, and one of the best parts of my day will be lost. Soon I won’t be able to go barefoot, watch the sun rise, or sip my cup of tea in silence, and I am going to miss that.

So I decided that, at the very least, I was going to make one small change, and go outside in the morning, just to enjoy being….

I suppose one small change, one small decision, can start a chain reaction.

But where to next?

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